Don't judge me..

 I reallllllllly can't sleep tonight. I have way too much on my mind; just too damn much has happened in the past week. 

I'll give ya the run down...

For starters, Brendan told me that he thinks "we're just not compatible as friends." If that isn't a slap in the face then I dunno what is. Seriously, I mean I guess in a way i'm glad he finally told me the truth so I don't waste my time trying to be nice to him and have a friendship anymore, but it's still harsh. Anyways, I bitched at him a little bit saying that I just don't understand how he can be so two-faced. When I see him working in the cafeteria he always smiles and waves. But out of the cafeteria, let's just say he doesn't do that. If he's not gonna ever be real, then what's the fucking point? And I told him that too. I told him all I wanted out of this was a friendship. That was all. It didn't have to be some big complicated agenda; just a simple friendship, not something that required so much effort. Fuck, even when we were "talking" I never asked for much from him. It's just all messed up from the get-go I guess you could say.

So anyways, he told me basically he doesn't wanna be my friend. Wait.....so we could hook up and be fine around eachother, but we can't be friends now that we're not hooking up anymore. I'm sorry, I mean I always gave him the benefit of the doubt, but that really just makes him look like a complete asshole..am I right?

I still had one of his hoodies. It was so comfortable, and I'm not gonna lie, I wore it all the time. I was gonna keep it, just so I could have something to remind me of him I guess? But then I decided, I don't wanna be reminded of him. Reminded of what....how much of an asshole he was to me? Reminded of how he can't be my friend for some reason I don't even know? So I walked over there, scared to death of whether he would be there or not. Well nobody was there I found out, so I left it on his bed, folded nicely, with a sticky note poking out of the hood. I wrote a message, short and to the point, "Sorry I had this for so long, have a good summer. - Shukria" Simple enough. I walked away shaking, I don't know why either, I guess I was just all shaken up about the whole situation. Well he texted me later saying thanks for the hoodie back, and that he was sorry for being a dickhead. His sorry is a little too late, but better late than never? I mean I dunno, I wanna forgive him just like that, but it's so hard. We texted a little bit. Me basically telling him to put himself in my shoes after what he had said to me about not being friends. And yada yada yada, the rest is boring, but in the end he invited me to a party they're having this Friday. I told him I didn't want a pity invite haha I just had to be a bitch, but he said he doesn't pity anyone. So I dunno, I might go, I might not. 
I mean afterall, Joe is coming up this Friday. And if I go over there while Joe is over there and so is Brendan.....well shytt who knows how that will go. 

To be honest I'm so over this Brendan thing. I guess you could say it's a huge relief that I won't be living across the street from him anymore. I just wish so badly that things would have turned out differently..











"Be with someone who knows what they have when they have you."

 
Easter weekend was relaxing. :)

I had gone over to the guys' house for a little while last Thursday because joshypoo was over there. Brendan and I planned to hangout that night since it was thirsty Thursday. He said he'd text me after he got outta work that night, but he never did. Sooooo, that's the last time i've talked to him is last Thursday. I don't have any intentions at the moment to talk to him for a while longer either. This whole friendship thing is bullshit and he obviously can't handle it. How hard it is to send even a small text saying hey whats up? No awkwardness, no face-to-face anything whatsoever. Like seriously can't he just get over himself...whatever right now it's pissing me off and I can't deal with it.
But I have to see him sooner or later, because I still have a hoodie of his. Shyttttt

Joe updates....hahah
Friday night we were supposed to go to my brother's girlfriend's party, Erin. We talked about it on Thursday night and all excited about going and stuff. He was going to the tiger's opening day tailgating and stuff but he said he'd keep me updated and make it out to my house later in the afternoon. Welllllll 7 came around and I hadn't talked to him. He never answered his phone and never called me back. Now, Joe being the good guy and everything, never does anything like this. So he texted me at 1 am saying he wishes he was with his drinking buddy and that he wanted a rain check for tomorrow. All in all, he ended up getting too drunk for his own good, and it wasn't gonna be a good idea for him to drive over. And that's fine, it really is, but he could have atleast sent me a text saying he couldn't make it or something, ya know?

So we hung out Saturday night. Went out to eat, and then sat in the back of his car with the sunroof open. haha Covered with a blanket we just laid there and stargazed. I love it. To be honest, the last few times I hung out with him I felt like I lost all attraction towards him. I've wanted so badly to push him away because I'm scared of getting close to someone. Like seriously- scared shitless of having someone else there. I'm glad to say I've gotten over that fear and I'm comfortable with him again. I'm gonna see how it goes. He's supposed to come up to see Ben in 2 weekends at the guys' place :/ When I asked him if he was gonna come see me he said, well I thought I was gonna stay with you! So we'll see what happens. I mean, I'm definitely not going over to Brendan's while Joe is over there. Wayyyy too awkward!

In Todd news....
He came and visited me last week, and he wants to come up again this week...most likely Thursday since I am crazy busy studying until my 2 exams on wednesday. He's been really strange lately, acting like a dick to me. His little girl from GVSU never ended up staying at his place last weekend and he was trying to hang out with me but I just had to much stuff going on I guess so it never worked out. Anyways I guess I'll see how his visit goes, if it even happens at all.

Well that's all for now I'm pretty tired and Eric is gonna come over so we can bum around together. I might get some math done since he's the math whiz and can teach my dumb ass how to do some of the problems. 

the littlest things that take me there

I know it sounds lame, but it's so true

I know it's  not right, but it seems unfair

The little things are reminding me of you.

 Todd called me the other night. He never calls me ever, unless he's really upset about something. Well nothing was wrong, he just called to surprise me...wtf does that mean? So we talked for like a half hour; It was nice though, to actually be talking on the phone with him rather than just texting or im'ing. Anyways our conversation ended and he texted me the next afternoon saying that he's thinking of coming and visiting me, probably go out to eat and stuff. 

A few hours later I find myself standing in the parking lot waiting for him to come, and he did. Todd never came to visit me except once when we got drunk and ended up making out and cuddling all night. Needless to say, he didn't talk to me for months after that because he thought I actually still really liked him, and he didn't really feel that way about me. Funny how the tables have kinda turned now, huh?

Anyways all we did was lay in bed and watch movies. I didn't feel like doing much anyways since I haven't been feeling well all week. Ugh I swear it was just like the summer. Hanging out, feeling something between us, yet both of us were too shy to say anything about it. I dunno call me crazy, it was probably just in my head. It's just the little things that he does when we're hanging out, like little ways to get closer and flirt I guess you could say. Either way, I still had a good time. He is one of my good friends afterall. 

He's back to being the regular Todd though. Sweet talker, charmer, typical guy; oh wait, did I mention his parents are gone for the weekend and he's having some girl over that he met at GVSU? haha He's trying to play it off like she's an old friend, but really he just met her a few weeks ago i'm pretty sure. I mean not that it's a big deal to me, it really doesn't matter. It's just the fact that he said he thinks he still has feelings for me, then drives here to hang out with me for a few hours, and then leaves just like that. Always finds a way to keep me right here waiting...isn't that how the lyrics go?









"Neither one is brave enough to say they miss the other."

 In continuation of lastnight's post.....


I knew Brendan and I needed to talk about this- and while we were sober this time! So Saturday we kinda talked about hanging out that night, but it ended up not working out long story short. I had a girls night with Emily and Stephanie who came over to chill with me and Paige. It was actually really fun, I'm glad that we've become friends. So anyways, Brendan texted me Sunday night and we were gonna hang out. He was supposed to come over and watch a movie because Tori wasn't back from home yet anyways and she wasn't gonna arrive til the next morning. 45 minutes after he was supposed to have come over he texted me saying he forgot he had this one homework assignment to do, and it kinda had to be done that night. I gave him the benefit of the doubt, because that's what I've always done for him. But I ended up texting him later after dearest Joshua convinced me..."Why put off til tomorrow what you can do today?" I love that kid. So I ended up going over to Brendan's and he was already in bed. For the first hour basically we just sat and talked because I was too damn scared to bring up the subject of us hooking up. Finallyyyy I got up enough nerve and brought it up. And we basically had a conversation similar to Friday's. As we were laying there next to eachother like usual, all cuddled up together, I said, "This is what I want- this right here; Us being able to hang out and cuddle and talk and be good friends. I know you don't want a relationship, but this is all I want." 
He said that's fine, but we can't do that in public basically. I guess he doesn't want me to mess up his game. haha. Then he said he thinks it'd be weird to see me at a party and flirting with some guy, and vice versa. I guess he just doesn't realize that that's the relationship I have with all of my "ex" guys. I'm still really good friends with all of them....Mike, Todd, Kevin..you know. Stuff like that doesn't make me feel weird because that's just what I'm used to. I'm always put in that type of relationship. Because either way, I care for these guys, and I want them in my life one way or another. I explained that to Brendan. I think- I hope- he understands that I want to be good friends no matter what.

Oh wait, I forgot to mention....
After we finished talking about that conversation, we were laying there, and he kissed my nose- and reached to kiss my lips. My hesitation held me back, but everything in me went for it. I guess he felt my nervousness about it cause he said "We just talked about how we're still gonna be friends no matter what..." Basically saying that this is fine and it won't make things awkward. So things happened...and I spent the night again. Except this time, I felt nothing laying there cuddled with him. I knew he was sleeping; he was twitching; and he always twitches when he's sleeping. I almost got up and left. Fricken 3 in the morning and I almost walked out of his house because laying there didn't feel right. I guess I was just discontent with myself because I gave in YET AGAIN to him. And i'm not blaming him in any way, but it's just that we decided we were gonna be friends, and that's obviously not what friends do. I always get myself into the most confusing situations.








"Sometimes the things that make us feel so good also make us feel our lowest.
It's hard to just walk away when you're heart keeps pulling you closer and closer.
But you need to be strong and get through it, because in the end,
it's better to walk away from your addiction."

 Last friday there was  a part at Brendan's apparently. But I didn't hear it from Brendan, I heard it from Megan because Fritz had invited her. So Megan wants me to go, and so does Emily, because Davey had invited her. There I was, debating if I should even go! Last I knew, Brendan and I were supposed to be friends. I figured he would have told me about it if he wanted me to be there, right? Right. So I decided to go...except I wasn't about to show up there sober! Nope I had a few mixed drinks before we headed across the street. My favorite part of the night....we walk in and Megan and Paige get hugs from Brendan, yet he walks right past me. Ouch. That hurt. Trying to drown everything I felt, I grabbed Megan's coke bottle thinking it was a mixed drink and just started chugging. Ew. I soon realized it was straight whiskey in that bottle. Shit. hahha So that was the beginning of the night right there. All to go downhill. 

I found Brendan outside a little later on to say hi and asked him if we could talk. I needed closure. I needed to know things were okay between us. I needed to know if I was wasting my tie trying to keep a friendship going that wouldn't last. I needed to know if he even wanted the damn friendship. So I needed answers. We walked around the corner of the house and I ask him if we're good, like if we are friends or not, and if that's what he even wants. I was pretty drunk during our talk and i'm pretty sure he was too, but I just remember being so blunt about everything. Things got emotional at times too.....who remembers why, but I ended up crying. And if you know me at all, then you know i'm not the girl who cries much, let alone in front of a guy she cares about. It was the kind of bury myself in his chest cry. Ugh. Pretty sure he had the sniffles too......ahhh! I remember asking him if he actually ever even cared about me when we were hooking up, because I definitely did and still do. And he said he did as well. We just kept saying that back and forth. It was just all a big blur and that's one of the things that I remember. Oh and also he said at one point that he would have dated me. What?!? Because a few minutes earlier he was saying that sometimes it was like we didn't have a connection. Now either I was terribly drunk and don't remember exactly what he said, or something in his story isn't lining up right...

I guess at the end of our long conversation we decided that we were gonna try the friendship thing, because he guesses he could deal with it. He said that he just thinks things are gonna be awkward between us! What he doesn't get though is that I keep in touch with my "ex's". I stay friends with them because I still care about them either way, and I want to keep them in my life. We still hung out that night though because in the meantime most of my friends had left. At one point him and Ben were with a few girls in his room and when I peeked my head in he looked at me with a face that mouthed "save me!" hahah Poor Brendan being hit on by the girls he works with. So I go and save him. It's funny the relationship we had that night. It went from being fucked up, to bathroom/party buddies, to even more fucked up...Yes...he went to the bathroom with me. lol Well I needed someone to guard the door for me while I went pee! It all worked out.

So the part where things get even more fucked up is when him and I are laying on his bed, just strictly talking and stuff, and he kisses me once, I hesitate, and he kisses me again. It felt so right though! Yeah I still hesitated to kiss him still after he kissed me a  few times, but there's one point where you just gotta give in because something feels so right and you know that at that moment, it's what you want because it feels real. So I went for it. To be honest though, I don't even remember the clothes coming off. Don't remember the middle portion of the night...let's just say things got a little involved....and we were right back at square one...the hooking up, showertime, and sleepover. What the fuck was I doing??!?

The next morning I would have easily believed it was just a drunken hookup between us, except he was still kissing me and cuddling. Uhhhh...I don't know what's going on here. But I knew we needed to talk again. And a sober talk this time. Cause all I knew is that what happened the night before was not something that friends do, which is what we established we were supposed to be..strictly friends! Another thing I know is that I still have his hoodie that I wore the next morning. Matter of fact, I wore it today. Is that bad? Sometimes I feel like it's all I got left of him. Cause sometimes I know he doesn't care about me that much, no matter how much he said he did that one night.







"It's a terrible thing to know what you want, and to know that you can't have it- at all."

 He said it today. In the middle of texting with Todd, he brings up the conversation about having dreams about me again. He said that they're like really in depth..like whether we were fighting or not, sexual or not....he's like yeah I think maybe I still have feelings for you. I replied back saying nahh it's probably just cause we hung out right before you left for florida. And he's like no I definitely think that's the reason whether you like it or not. 

Well to be honest I don't know how I feel about it. Todd is the guy who's always in the back of my mind. The one that I compare every guy to. I'll always care for him. I always have. But I never told him that because I didn't want it to ruin our friendship. I didn't want him to be weird because of something like that. I never showed my feelings for him, and now he's doing that to me. He knows i'm like talking to Joe and stuff and trying to find someone to be there for me like I need them to be. Why does he always do this.
It's like he always wants what he can't have. Is that just how it's always gonna be for him? Always the wrong timing. Always only wanting to be with me when he can't have me...cause if that's the case, then that's not what I'm looking for.







-When someone seems too good to be true, they usually are.

I had to take April to the hospital today, for some odd reason. Anyways I ended up just dropping her off so she's there now. But on my walk back from where I had parked her car, I had to walk by the guys' house across the street. Who's sitting out front other than Brendan and Ben. haha what a mix right? Sometimes I wonder how much Ben knows about the situation...Brendan and Joe and I...

So by this time I'm feeling really sick, I don't know why, I think cause I hadn't eaten all day. All I remember is noticing that Ben was looking down at my feet like the whole time, and Brendan was looking me in the face. I don't know how to feel around Brendan anymore. Everything just feels so awkward in my mind, even though it's not in reality. I just wanna reach out and hug him cause I miss hanging out with him, but I can't! So we had some small talk and I left after 5 minutes or so. But as I was walking away, I realized that he was always just letting me leave. We always say goodbye, but I always left reluctantly. I always walked away slowly waiting for him to do something, say anything to stop me in my steps. And I know this sounds corny, but everyone wants someone; everyone wants someone to fight for them at times, or else all is unfair. Today I realized that he just didn't care enough to stop me from leaving. Didn't care enough to fight back and say he wanted to keep things going or anything. So all in all I guess it is good things are over with right? I know he's a great guy and everything, but I guess we are just better as friends. Oh yeah, if we can even get that friendship thing going right...

But anyways, yeah that's my epiphany for the afternoon. I want someone who's actually gonna fight for me when I'm walking away from them. Call me crazy? I just want someone who's gonna care.







I'll let you get the best of me 
Because there's nothing else that I do well 
I'll be the giver and you'll be the taker 
I guess that's how this one's gonna go
You've got me down on my knees and I proclaim
All hail the heartbreaker
</3

 Once again, I'm short on time. Been studying alll night for a nutrition exam I have tomorrow, which I'm bound to do terrible on.

But one thing that really pissed me off tonight...I texted Brendan asking if he wanted to hang out for a little bit. I haven't talked to him in a while and I mean obviously I still care and it'd just be nice to see him, ya know?  So his reply....."Why do you wanna hang out silly?" If that isn't the dumbest fucking question, then I don't know what is. I mean, yeah I kinda dropped him with our 'cuddle buddy' relationship, but seriously, are you fucking kidding me?? So I replied back saying, "Cause I haven't seen you in a while silly. And we're supposed to be friends, right?" And he said yeah we are, but he just didn't plan on hanging out tonight. What the fuck. That's almost as bad lastweek when we actually had plans to hang out one night and he texted me the next day saying, "I'm really sorry about lastnight, I just really didn't feel like hanging out." Ouch. That's mean. It actually stung. Like I actually teared up. Fuck.
Brendan and I are supposed to be strictly friends now. No more messing around. I recently found out that he was possibly screwing around behind my back. Of course it's only a rumor right now, but even the fact that this rumor is going around...not good. Not only fucking around with one girl like he did last semester, but with TWO girls. Yupp. I always find the winners. I'm pretty convinced he didn't care at all about me. I guess it was better to break this whole thing off? Maybe we're gonna be better off as friends....if we can even get this friendship thing to workout. Well I'll say this much i'm done trying to be his friend. If he wants it, then he'll make sure this friendship happens. But if he can throw it away that easily, then I don't fucking want it. And that's point blank.


And then there's Joe. Good Joe. Nice guy Joe. We hung out when I went home this past weekend for my mom's bday. We hung out the weekend before when I had to go home for a doctors appointment. And we hung out a few times the week before during my spring break. He's really a great guy, but to be honest, I'm just not sure where it's all going. I mean, it's kinda like outta sight outta mind with him rather than absence making my heart grow fonder. But when I'm with him, I feel cared about. When I'm standing in front of him, he actually looks into my eyes and holds my face in his hands. He brushes the hair out of my face and looks into my eyes with meaning before he leaves. It's what every girl wants. But we don't really talk when I'm away at school. We text occasionally, but he's not a big texter. And I'll call him every once in a while and catch up, but I don't really know. I guess that's just my low confidence self speaking. And one thing i'm not used to is the PDA. We went to the movies the other night and when we got outta the car he held my hand as we walked. And when we get outta the theater he holds my hand. Just somethin I'm not used to. Brendan never did that stuff. Neither did Todd. Or Mike for that matter. Do I really deserve this amazing guy for once??? It's gotta be too good to be true.
...Oh wait. It's gotta be. I think I forgot to mention that I feel like pushing Joe away. hah yup. I usually find a way of messing this shit up. I don't know why I wanna push him away if this is something I really want. It's just that I'm getting scared. So scared of getting close. I mean, coming from the girl who's never had a real relationship...the closest I ever got to one was Brendan. We were basically playing the part, really. And to find that he really couldn't have cared that much just completely crushes me. Like why would I ever wanna let my guard down again? I feel like i've been completely ruined. It just makes me feel so dumb. Cause I actually thought Brendan cared. And I don't know, kinda makes me look stupid...acting all happy and stuff cause I feel cared about, it's bullshit. And people wonder why I have no self confidence when it comes to guys. Go fuckin figure.


And I know I really need to get my mind off this Brendan stuff. I just didn't know that it mattered to me so much. Fuck feelings. I hate feeling miserable this way.


Oh not to mention the feelings that Todd is stirring up in me. Straight up tells me he doesn't want me to push him away because he had a dream about him and I being really good friends, then growing into a relationship with eachother. But it wasn't the perfect relationship; we had our fights, but we always got over them. He told me he didn't want to wake up from that dream. THen a few days later he tells me I've been on his thoughts lately; wondering about what could/ would have happened between us if we did date last summer. Oh my gosh. No way is he saying this. From Todd, that I always wanted to hear this stuff from. He says he misses me. He won't stop saying it everyday. He tells me he loves me. I've convinced myself that it's the friendship kinda love. But when he sends me a text with just those 3 simple words in it, shivers go down my spine. Todd drives me insane. And I can't say that I hate him. I mean I do love the dork to death, but he always finds a way to come back into my life. And I'll admit, Todd is the one for me who is always in the back of my mind. Always. And  I always convince myself that I'm over him. Until he decides to bring up all this stuff. It just something that Todd does. It's just a phase of his. But it's driving me insane.



But anyways, my lover Joshua and I are having an intense conversation, so I'm gonna focus my attention that way, and I will update this possibly tomorrow after my exam... 

Before you, my life was like a moonless night.
Very dark, but there were stars- points of light and reason.

....And then you shot across my sky like a meteor.
Suddenly everything was on fire;
there was brilliancy, there was beauty.
When you were gone,
the meteor had fallen over the horizon,
everything went black.
Nothing had changed,
but my eyes were blinded by the light.
I couldn't see the starts anymore.
And there was no more reason for anything.
<3

So I had a bunch of stuff typed out....but I decided that it didn't make any sense whatsoever.

I got too much on my mind to sort it all out right now. I'll update tomorrow.

 
Wow has it been a long time since I've written a journal entry, on the computer or on paper!

I guess I decided to start posting my thoughts just because so much has been going on lately. It'd be nice to get it all out of my head and just have it spilled across the screen. Anyways, here goes.....

So much has changed since I've started school and gone away to college. 


My summer revolved around Todd and Mike.  As soon as I left for school Todd and I talked about it and apparently we both really like eachother over the summer. A little too late to reveal our feelings now huh? Oh well, we've been through a lot in these past few months, but I love that phucker to death no matter what we argue about. We are definitely good friends and I'm content with it. Mike on the other hand, well....he realized how much I was there for him when he had no one else to turn to for anything and it was a little too late for his apologies. He wanted to be with me because I'm "the only girl he trusts and the only person who's ever been there for him no matter what." Welp, in the summer I would have accepted that, but I don't feel like that towards him anymore. We rarely talk anymore, and I'm content with it. My feelings changed...i've changed since the summer. I'm not a pushover anymore for him or anyone else to use. hah Sometimes I think that now I'm a straight up biatch. Whatever I guess, I'm just tired of getting hurt all the time because I care to much even when I shouldn't. Love it or hate it?


I started talking to Brendan during welcome week. Yup, the first time we talked really since I met him when I came up to stay at Paul's during welcome week when I was only a senior in high school. We exchanged numbers and stuff...I don't remember exactly how it all happened but we had quite a few sleepovers at his place the first week of school. Not a bad beginning of freshman year, eh? Well, one week gone by and I'm ditched. For a nude model. HAH. I can't compete with that, seriously. I was at a loss for words. Played. Abandoned. Lied to. Not worth the truth; the simple truth. All those things still run through my head to this very day. So when Brendan and I actually started to talk again right after xmas break this year, I doubted his trust; but I believe it was for damn good reason! We actually started hanging out alot. Sleepovers, movie nights, chilling, partying, the works. I loved going over to the guys place and hanging out. Not to mention Brendan and I were becoming closer. But even still, I always doubted in the back of my mind. I know that sounds unfair but it's just because everything that happened between us before. He couldn't even tell me the truth or anything along the lines that he was interested (fucking) some girl behind my back before; who's to say he wouldn't do it again, right? Anyways so we really grew closer, hanging out alot. I took him to the cafeteria a few times and used a guest pass for him. He actually made me a valentines day card lol decorated it with pink and red and purple markers. So cute! And then there's the time when I was sick and he actually made soup and brought it to my room. So thoughtful! I don't know....looking back on that now I just realized that I was doubting him to much to realize that he was doing teeny tiny little things like that to show that he cared. 


Then there was the weekend of Megan's birthday bash. I met Joe. Ben's older brother. Brendan's roommates older brother who graduated from CMU last year. AKA trouble I was getting myself into. I met him Friday night and talked for like 2 minutes, and I don't know why I said bye to him on Saturday night since we hardly talked, but he insisted that I stay longer and be his 'drinking buddy'. So drinking buddies we were, and oh boy we kinda hit it off. I guess you could say I kinda messed up since Joe and I ended up kissing. Needless to say, I talked to Brendan right away and we discussed our 'relationship'...or lack thereof. He didn't want one, and I was realizing that I did. But I settled. Why? Because I'm the girl with no self esteem or confidence or anything. I always think that if I care enough for him then that's enough to settle for, right? Wrong. Most of the time with Brendan I felt as though I wasn't good enough to be his girlfriend. I felt like he was keeping me there on the side until he felt he found someone else better than me. I didn't know if I should wait around until Brendan actually decides he needs me, or if I should wait around until he decided to ditch me again for some girl better than me. Or there's always the option to bring an end to it all. I still believe that we can be friends, I really do. He's a great person to hang with, lay around with and watch movies and just talk to. I really do care for him so much, and our friendship matters to me. But i swear I will not be put in the backseat with someone I'm 'hooking up' with. It's not fair and I don't like how insecure it makes me feel. When I talked with Brendan about how we should stop the fooling around and sleepovers, I said it was cause I was interested in someone else....This is partly true, however. The main reason I ended it was because I'm really just not sure that I ever mattered to him enough. Who knows if i'll ever know..


Interested in someone else...Brendan guessed that it was because of Joe. I have no idea if this is true or not to be honest. I'd say that I have no chance with him, but then again that's just my low self confidence speaking. Joe and I hung out over my spring break a few times. When we made plans, I really just expected it to be as friends, but nooo he was extending the dinner into movies and insisting that he pay for everything and even, yes even making plans for later in the week. We have made plans for every week I come home. As a matter of fact I was forced to go home last weekend because of family matters, and my madre wants me to go home this weekend to celebrate her birthday with her. It will be the third weekend in a row I will hang with Joe. So anyways, I'm not really sure where this is going, but I'm going with the flow on this one. I plan on not messing it up like I usually do. 


Sooooo, now that I've spilled only half of what's on my mind right now, I should probably get a shower in and some more studying for the night. I will elaborate later on my guy drama. 




"In the end, we regret the chances we didn't take, 
The relationships we were afraid to have,
And the decisions we waited too long to make."
</3

Daniel && Jasmine

Daniel and Jasmine are sitting alone in the park one night....

Daniel: I guess we are the left overs in this world

Jasmine: I think so... All of my friends have boyfriends and we are only the 2 persons left in this world without any special person in our lives

Daniel: Yup I don't know what to do

Jasmine: I know! We'll play a game

Daniel: What game?

Jasmine: i'll be your girl friend for 30 days and you will be my boy friend

Daniel: That's a great plan in fact i don't have anything to do for the following weeks...

DAY 1:

They watch their first movie and they both touched in a romantic film

DAY 4:

They went to the beach and had a picnic...Daniel and Jasmine have their quality time together

DAY 12:

Daniel invited Jasmine to a circus and they ride on a Horror House....Jasmine was scared and she touched Daniel's hand but she touched someone else's hand and they both laughed...

DAY 15:

They saw a fortune teller down the road and they asked for their future advice and the fortune teller said: "My darling, Please don't waste the time of your life... SPend the rest of your time together happily" Then tears flow out from the teller's eyes

DAY 20:

Jasmine invited Daniel to go to the hill and they saw a meteor...Jasmine mumbled something

DAY 28:

They sat on the bus and because of a bumby road Jasmine gave her first kiss to Daniel by accident

DAY 29:

11:37pm

Jasmine and Daniel sat in the park where they first decided to play this game...

Daniel: I'm tired Jasmine...Do you want any drinks? I'll buy you one.. I'll just go down the road

Jasmine: Apple Juice that's all

Daniel: Wait for me....

20mins later... a stranger approached Jasmine

Stranger: Are you a friend of Daniel?

Jasmine: Why yes? What happened?

Stranger: A reckless drunken driver ran over Daniel and he is critical in the hospital

11:57pm

The doctor went out of the emergency room and he handed out an apple juice and a letter

Doctor: We found this in daniel's pocket

Jasmine reads the letter and it says:

Jasmine, This past few days, i realized you are a really cute girl and i am really falling for you..Your cherish smile your everything when we played this game..... Before this game would end...I wouldlike you to be my girl friend for the rest of my life.... I love you Jasmine....

Jasmine crumples the paper and shouted:

"Daniel ! i don't want you to die... I love you...Remember that night when we saw a meteor, I mumbled something... I mumbled that I wish we would be together forever and never end this game. Please don't leave me Daniel.... I love you! You cannot do this to me!"

Then the clock strikes 12

Daniel's heart stop pumping

THEN IT WAS THE 30TH DAY........

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Always love your loved ones and show them how you feel before it is too late... You will never know when they will be gone from your embrace... If you were given a time to bestow petals of everlasting compassion and love to your loved ones? Today is the day.... Love them while they are still here...